First Chapter

You can read the first SEVERAL chapters at Goodreads in a very pretty interface.

Part One: Melinda

1. Rapunzel

The radishes called to her. Despite the hour and the warmth of her husband asleep beside her, Melinda slid from the covers, her bare feet arching against the cold floor.

She hurried down the stairs of the silent house, her lace nightgown billowing around her legs, and padded into the kitchen. The refrigerator’s searing light forced her eyes closed, but she could not bear to hesitate and reached blindly into the vegetable bin.

Her fingers fumbled with lettuce, cucumbers, and finally, the radishes. Despite her mother’s voice scolding her to wash them first, she crunched into an icy bulb. Her teeth throbbed, but the peppery bite eased her desperation to eat. She leaned against the counter, sated, running one hand over her stomach.

Ten weeks along and still no belly bump. Probably a good thing. Her Aunt Bea waited until thirty-five to have a baby too, ending up wider than the door of her travel trailer. Melinda had a closet full of custom-tailored suits to return to. Eventually.

“Quitter,” she muttered. She’d been unemployed for six months and still hadn’t stopped chastising herself for going domestic. She’d been out-argued, hoodwinked into stay-at-home-wifely submission by the lead attorney for Lindeman, Crum, and Finch. Her husband.

She tugged another radish from the stem, ignoring the dirt that clung to its wiry root.

Folic acid, a friend had told her. That’s why she craved them so much. Melinda was glad for the reason, as ever since the need hit her, all she could think of was Rapunzel’s father stealing radishes in the enchanted garden, and the deal he had struck to give up his first-born child to spare him punishment.

That man should have called her husband.

The third radish burned in her mouth, so she filled a glass with filtered water. Melinda glanced around the kitchen as she gulped. Only the scraggly vegetables broke the perfection of the sweeping marble countertops and inlaid tile, the gleam just visible in the light from the hall.

The cleanliness wasn’t her doing. She had more help than a Louisiana plantation. Her mother would have had a conniption, never putting any stock in some other woman swiping your toilet. Melinda had no such prejudice. Too bad Mom died well before the onset of Jake. She would have thought he was a movie star.

Ajax whined from the utility room, so Melinda popped open the door to release the chocolate lab. “Hey puppy dog, love muffin.”

His dark nose sniffed at her hands

“Midnight snack for you too? Let me find some biscuits.” She opened the cabinet beneath the sink and bent down to locate the box.

A strange pop low in her abdomen made her double over and clutch her stomach. A cramp began, like a fist in her belly, starting small and tight but rapidly rippling out. Her breathing shifted to huffs, like labor. Before she could consider what might be happening, fluid gushed between her legs, soaking her panties. Melinda froze, afraid to make it worse, trying to calm her breath wheezing in and out.

Ajax whined again, rubbing his nose on her thigh. Melinda grasped the hem of her nightgown and pressed the white lace between her legs. Even in the dim light she could see it soak scarlet. The baby. God, the baby.

She walked in mincing steps across the floor toward the bathroom. A wet drop hit her ankle and she looked behind to see a red trail from the cabinet to her feet. She leaned against the wall, shivering and gasping to breathe.

Pull yourself together. Melinda reached for the phone to call an ambulance, her doctor, someone, then set it down again. Jake first. She could scream, perhaps, make enough noise to wake him upstairs. He was such a heavy sleeper.

Only one thing would get her husband up during the few hours he slept each night. She snatched her purse from the counter and tugged out her cell phone. She sent a text message to his work line, a ring tone he always answered unless he was in court. Her Hail Mary, one she never used. “Come downstairs. Emergency.”

She heard his feet fall on the floor above, then his frantic steps crossed the room and down the stairs.

“What the hell?” Jake stumbled into the kitchen and stared at her as she leaned over the counter. Then he saw the floor, his eyes following the smear of blood on the tile. He flipped on the light.

Melinda could not meet his eyes. The chandelier blinded her, the room swirling white and hot.

He bent near her in his pajama bottoms, his bare chest tan and smooth. “Mel?”

“The baby,” she said. “I lost the baby.”

He picked her up, cradling her against his body, and carried her upstairs, away from the blood. “Let’s get you changed and go to the hospital,” he said. “They can do something.”

Melinda could have argued with him, as she had read that first trimester miscarriages could not be saved. But she knew Jake, and he needed reliable testimony, expert witnesses, hard facts. They stopped in the bathroom, and he brought her a clean nightgown and panties. She searched through the cabinets for pads and cleaned herself, the bleeding now slowed to a trickle. Ajax had followed them, sitting quietly by the door, his pink tongue lolling out.

For once, Jake ignored her dog. “Ready?” he asked, handing her a blue pea coat. “Can you walk?”

Her arm caught inside the sleeve, and Jake tenderly tugged it on. “Would you rather have an ambulance?”

She shook her head for no, not trusting her voice. It seemed too much, the sirens, the uniformed paramedics. The baby, she knew, was gone.

They drove silently through their neighborhood, past mansions and perfect lawns, until he entered the freeway. “You going to tell me what happened now?” Headlights flashed into his face, chiseling his features with hard edges.

“I felt a pop, and the bleeding started.”

“What were you doing in the kitchen?” Jake zipped across the freeway to the far left lane despite the lack of traffic. “Eating?”

Melinda gripped the door handle. “Yes, I wanted some radishes.”

“And it just happened like that—pop.”

“I was getting a dog biscuit.”

“Did that dog jump on you? Jump on your belly?”

Melinda watched the signs whiz by. Hospital, next right. He was going to miss it. “That wouldn’t hurt anything.”

“You don’t know that. Something caused this.” He jerked the steering wheel to cut across lanes, just making the exit.

Her fingers tightened on the handle. “Not everything has to have a reason, Jake. Some things just happen.”

“Not in my world.”

“Then welcome to mine. Dead mom. Dead dad. Dead baby.”

They coasted to the light. As the car idled in the red glow, Jake laid his hand on her arm. “Baby, I’m sorry. Let’s see what the doctors say.”

The bright cross marking the hospital beckoned across the intersection. Jake pulled into an emergency slot and pressed his palm to Melinda’s back as he escorted her inside. “Sit here and rest.” He directed her to an empty section of blue plastic chairs. “I’ll check you in.”

Melinda watched Jake stride to the large white desk, disconnected, as if he were some other man, and this was some other place. The cuffs of the coat scratched her bare wrists, so she pulled her hands up inside, shivering despite the wafts of heat coming from the ceiling. A dozen people waited in the long room, scattered among the seats lining the walls.

Jake returned to sit beside her. He crossed a foot over his knee and balanced the clipboard on his ankle. “I can’t fill this out—date of last period and all that.” He passed the paperwork to her and leaned forward, bracing on his elbows.

She stared at the words and lines, trying to decipher the questions. Date of birth. Allergies. Medical conditions.

Jake began tapping his leg with his thumb, a nervous habit he usually kept tightly controlled. Melinda hoped they would be called back soon, for his sake. She kept her head down, focusing on the white paper and its small checkboxes.

The nurse called for a mother carrying a sleeping child.

Jake stood. “What’s the freaking holdup?” He strode back to the white desk and leaned on his arm, flashing a bright smile at the woman seated there. Melinda closed her eyes again, torn between chagrin and pride. Jake could get the job done. He always did.

Her eyes flew open when a hand cupped her knee. She felt a wave of embarrassment now at her nightgown covered in the blue coat. Everyone else in the waiting room was dressed despite the hour. Jake squatted beside her, taking her hand, eyes beaming concern. “They should call you soon. I explained things.”

Melinda nodded, and the clipboard slid to the floor.

“Here, baby, let me get that.” He scooped up the paperwork and stood, tapping the flat acrylic against his hip.

“Melinda Carmichael?” The nurse in scrubs standing by the entrance to the examining rooms looked right at her.

“Now that’s more like it,” Jake said, again touching the small of her back as the frosted doors hissed open.

The nurse slid back a section of blue curtain on a track and patted the examining table. “Up here.”

Jake stood in the corner, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans. He had ruffled his hair several times, and now the front section stood straight up like an exclamation.

The nurse asked about the amount of blood, and if she were cramping anymore. Melinda shook her head no.

“See?” Jake said when the woman left. “No indication whatsoever that this is the end. They can probably give you something, and it will all be fine.”

Melinda could have told him that she just knew, some intuition, some internal warning system had sent out a flare, but he would not listen. “If you can’t prove it, it ain’t so,” he liked to say both in court and out, paired with a thermonuclear smile and an almost-but-not-quite wink.

The curtain slipped aside, and a young doctor entered. “I’m Dr. Blais.” He flipped through the chart. “Let’s take a look. Have you had a sonogram yet?”

“Last week,” Melinda said. “He measured out perfectly. Good solid heartbeat.”

Jake stepped nearer to the table. “Any explanation for the bleeding and cramping? Does this happen often?”

Dr. Blais picked up the ultrasound wand. “About forty percent of all pregnancies have some sort of bleeding. Only ten percent of pregnancies miscarry overall. The odds are with you, especially at this point.”

Jake turned back to Melinda, one eyebrow cocked.

The doctor sat by the sonogram machine and squeezed lubricant on the probe. “We’ll do a transvaginal ultrasound, probably just like you had last week.”

“I’m bleeding, though,” she said.

“It’s okay. It won’t affect the image.”

Melinda lay back and fitted her heels in the stirrups. Dr. Blais did not turn the machine’s screen to them as her obstetrician had. The sound was on, however, its crackle and static puncturing the quiet.

The whomp whomp of a heartbeat filled the room, but before Melinda could relax, Dr. Blais said, “That’s mom’s heartbeat. A little fast at ninety but still nowhere near baby’s speed.”

He pushed the probe more firmly against her and she felt the pressure, the hardness of it. Her fists clenched until she couldn’t feel her fingers. Jake’s shoes scraped across the floor as he paced.

The pulse sounds skipped a beat as Dr. Blais shifted the probe. “I can see the sac and the baby now,” he said. “I’m going to take some measurements.”

He already knows. Melinda felt her heart race and waited for the echo of the machine to relay her anger to the men. He obviously wanted to hold off telling her the baby’s fate until he’d done whatever the hell he was doing. Her pulse sped up another notch.

Their curtained space fell silent as he switched off the sound. Beeps and coughs and lowered voices penetrated from other parts of the ward. He grimaced as he worked, finally pulling away and switching off the machine. Melinda’s face grew hot to the point of abject discomfort. Just say it!

He tugged off his gloves. “The baby doesn’t have a heartbeat. It’s measuring nine weeks now, so I am guessing it died shortly after your last doctor visit.”

Melinda shot forward as if pulled up by a string. “I knew it.”

“I’m very sorry.” His mouth was set tight, firmly in a line, and his concern didn’t meet his expression. He saw worse every day, she thought. This is small to him.

Jake waved his hands beside his temples. “Now, wait. Are you sure about this? What sort of equipment does this hospital carry?”

The doctor tossed the gloves into a lined can. “Good enough for this. With the combination of symptoms your wife is experiencing, it’s really just a confirmation.”

Jake turned to Melinda. “Did you strain yourself? Work on the baby’s room?”

Melinda steeled herself with calm. “No, Jake.”

Dr. Blais stepped forward. “Mr. Carmichael, your wife didn’t do anything wrong. Most likely this was a genetic loss, something formed incorrectly inside the baby, and it just stopped growing. Sad and unfortunate, but common.”

Jake turned to the doctor. “I already have two kids. We didn’t have any problems.”

Melinda gripped the paper cover of the examining table until it tore. “Stop it! Stop it now! You’re acting like I caused this to happen!”

The ward silenced. She felt a small cramp and a gush of fluid or blood or maybe just the lubricant from the probe. She curled over her belly.

“Ms. Carmichael, are you okay?” The doctor bent over and touched her arm.

His eyes had softened. He’d lost his professional detachment.

She nodded.

He squeezed her lightly, then turned and picked up the clipboard. “You can call your regular doctor for a D&C if you don’t want to wait it out.”

“How long?”

“Could be today. Could be two weeks or more. Here’s a prescription for some pain medication in case the cramps get very bad. Would you like something to help you sleep?”

“No, she doesn’t,” Jake said. “None of that.”

Dr. Blais tore the paper off the pad and handed it to Melinda. “It’s the Ambien. You can fill both or just one.”

Melinda tucked the paper inside the sleeve of her nightgown. “What do I do if the baby comes out? Do I need to save it?”

“You can if you want—put it in a plastic bag and refrigerate it until you can take it to your doctor. But you don’t need to. First miscarriages aren’t generally tested and usually get contaminated at home.”

The two men stared at each other, then at her, certainly picturing the grim scene to come. The doctor nodded, then rolled open the curtain and left her alone with her husband.

Melinda stood, holding the white liner in place until she could reach her underwear. Jake paced the length of the curtain.

Outside the room, Melinda halted, not sure where to go in the endless line of blue fabric on silver tracks. There seemed no escape.

A few feet away, a young man whipped open a curtain and dashed out. A teen girl, partially covered in a blue sheet, lay on the table, a machine strapped to her belly. Small feet sheathed in rainbow stockings peeked out the end. She was crying.

Jake came up behind her. “Is she pregnant? She can’t be sixteen.”

Melinda turned away, disarmed by the proximity of another pregnant person, the heartbeat on the machine, and the striped stockings. A nurse approached her, closing the open curtain as she walked by. “Ms. Carmichael? Here’s some information for you. Instructions and a flier for the pregnancy loss support group the hospital recommends.”

Melinda accepted the paper. “Thank you.”

She glanced back at the examining table where she’d just been, empty and rumpled but otherwise unchanged by what had occurred there.

“The exit’s over here,” Jake said. “We should go.” He strode away, strong and tall, glancing at the people he passed with curiosity and disdain.

What have I done? Who have I married? She struggled to keep up with him, each rapid step prompting another sticky gush from her body. The first crisis of their marriage, and he was failing miserably, unaware that he was losing her, rousing in her an anger she had forgotten she possessed. She was worth more than this.

Another cramp tightened in her abdomen. She froze, hand pressed to her belly, and decided screw him, and this time continued down the corridor at her own pace.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Paperback copies

The Book Spot in Round Rock, Texas will have copies in by late August. Visit them or call for it. They are also hosting the book launch on Oct. 15 at 3 p.m.

Indie Bound has it listed finally (although without the cover yet), but you can follow that listing to an independent bookstore near you.

Barnes and Noble has it in stock in their online store and is shipping now.

Amazon is having trouble keeping it in stock, but they have it. (Discounted to $11.66 last time I checked.)

Amazon UK also has it if you live there.

If you want a copy signed by the author, you can order it through the publisher, and I will get the dedication or inscription to write inside before it ships. Signed copy through the publisher

The publisher also has a discount program for baby loss web sites to sell copies as well as hospitals or support groups who want to order five copies or more. Email them for details.

Ebooks

Kindle or Kindle UK

Nook

DRM-free at Goodreads for Sony, Kobo or other e-readers

Apple iBooks for iPad/iPhone (coming soon)

40 thoughts on “First Chapter

  1. cant wait for this book. I lost my baby at 7 months and it still hurts theres not a single day i dont think of my baby

  2. Wow I just wanted to keep reading. I also can’t wait to buy and read the book. I was 12 weeks 3 days when we lost our baby girl. Thankyou for such an open and honest book.

  3. Wow, I really loved the first chapter and can’t wait for the book. I was able to identify with Melinda, I lost my daughter at 39 weeks. Thank you for writing this, and for adding my daughter’s name to the book.

  4. I would love to read the whole book, I’ve had 3 misscarriages, they have been missed misscarriages, at about 9 weeks. i think of my angels every day, i do have a healthy 2 year old boy, but that doesn’t mean loosing 3 babies doesn’t hurt. and i still feel i’m mommy to them no matter how long they were in my womb.

    • Hello,

      I have also had three miscarriages and have a healthy 4 year old. Just wondering how you are doing and if you have had a successful pregancy after your three losses. I know how you feel.

      Thank you.

  5. Thank you ladies. So sweet!

    I’m so sorry for the losses. I wish this book was never needed, that we were all innocent to how babies can die, and such an idea didn’t even exist.

    Deanna

    • I can’t wait for the book! I just found out at about 9 weeks along that my baby passed. I just completed naturally miscarrying at home which was over a week and a half, very painful. I then had a d & c to be sure all was out.
      Trying to pick up the pieces now. This is so sad.
      I hope others find this book too. I think it will help.

      Sincerely,
      Jessica

  6. I just lost my first baby, I was 8 weeks. Maybe this book will help me get through it, I can’t wait to read it.

  7. I am a member of your facebook page and have been Blessed to have my son’s name listed with all the other Angels in your book. My son, Michail Lowell Myers, was born sleeping on 06-24-80 at 42 wks~ 8lbs 14ozs. I also had a miscarriage on 07-13-81 at 12 wks, and a missed ob on 01-22-82 at 15 wks. I have been anxiously waiting to hear that your book was available for purchase. When I seen your post, I had to immediately read the first chapter. I did not want to stop reading…What a Beautifully written book! I am so excited to get a copy of it. I will not be able to order the book online because I am not allowed to use our credit card, but I will certainly purchase it in a bookstore. Thank you for reaching out and Blessing so many. Thank you for allowing my son to be honored in such a special way…A precious tribute to so many Angels. Blessings to you and your family!

  8. I loved reading this. It helped me realize I’m not alone. I lost my first baby at 5 weeks back in February this year and just list my second today at 9 weeks. I was searching for comfort and my husband was trying his best, but he doesn’t fully feel the pain of loss that I do. I know God has a plan for me and my husband and I know that I was born to be a mommy. This has shaken my faith tremendously. I guess it’s back to square 1! I’ll be looking for this book. Deanna I’m interested in the $8 early release please email me details! God bless

  9. Pingback: » I need YOUR voice in the Baby Dust book trailer

  10. I’ve enjoyed reading the first chapter so much, can’t wait for the book now. I’ve had 3 losses and know how hard it is, thank you Deanna for writing this and for all your help supporting those that have had a loss x x

  11. I would like to read more… We have been trying for nearly 3 years and I have had one miscarriage. People just don’t understand unless they have been through it. Such an immense, paralyzing, emptying pain! My condolences to all the others out there who have lost something so precious and irreplaceable. And, thank you Deanna, for trying to bring some comfort to those like myself.

  12. Hi, I to was looking for answers, support, comfort when I stumbled across this book, I read the first passage and found it comforting, knowing that other people had similar experiences as horrible as this is but can share and help others.

    We have just lost our precious little boy ‘phoenix’, he was 16weeks old.

    We have a little girl who is 5, it was a great pregnancy with no
    complications, this preganancy feltsimilar, however i had more naausa and had a strong belief that it was a boy, i was happy either way. i had quite a lot of fluttering, my hormones were kicking in, i felt fantastic!!!!! we were all getting so excited. Then, the fluttering stopped…hot baths, loud singing, sunshine, my little girl talking to my tummy…….nothing made the baby move??…. Odd The shock when the scan could not find the heart beat.
    So many questions, I thought I’d followed the book – all of the tests were fine, great even. Did I eat something…. All of these questions floating around my head as we have to prepare for the delivery- I don’t believe anyone should have to experience this. But, meeting him and seeing him has diff’s toy helped, he wasn’t a freak or alien like you would expect. He was perfect, just very very small.
    Now, we just have to stay together and get through each day – we had a lovely nurse who was so so kind and caring to both myself and my husband that the experience we had as horrible as it was, we got through it, through tears and a sense of humour when needed.

    I hope that my comments have helped u,as the comments I read helped me, take care….I sit on the couch with a bag of peas on one breast and a bag of beans on the other!!!! All the best, Belynda

  13. I can’t wait to read this book! I lost my first son at 37 weeks, may 15th, 2008. I now have 2 children here with me. A 2 year old and a 1 month old. I wish there was not a need for these books, but since baby loss does happen I am glad they are out there.

  14. touching… I just found out today I lost my child almost verbatim of her symptoms. I never knew I would be wrecked with such grief. Also feeling an anger at my partner who seemed to misunderstand, de sensitized, as if “who am I with”. Crushed and heartbroken at the moment I am. Trying to make sense, Im so happy such a book has been written, there are feelings one can not describe, I felt my child’s spirit, there’s a precious mystical bond that happens between mother and child…..may my child rest in peace on the other side. I have no other children….Each day was a gift with this child…I am grateful, humbled, touched, and broken…

    Alexandra London

  15. Thank you for sharing- I have had 4 miscarrages , one at 5 months, and the doctor says that I am going to miscarry this prgnancy because my HCG numbers are too low. I have two healthy girls, but that does not mean that it doesn’t hurt to know that I cannot have another child. I think about the angels everyday and will absolutly read this book. Thank you!

  16. I remember reading excerpts from this book as it was being written. Wondering if it had ever been completed. So glad to see it has. Will have to put on on my list of books to-read.

  17. Im sixteen in the tenth grade and I just had a miscarriage a week ago i was 12weeks 5days. Its just so hard going thru this at a young age if any of y’all have anything that you think might help me get thru this while im in school please email me. I would really appreciate it. Thank You!

  18. I have just ordered this book, and I can’t wait to get it! I lost my first baby, a daughter name Avery Kathleen, on August 18, 2011. It was a perfect pregnancy up until then, and we have no answers whatsoever as to what happened. She was 39 weeks, 2 days then was just gone over night. :,o(

  19. I just found out yesterday that my baby had stopped growing sometime between 41/2 to 5 weeks.. I am so torn and just reading this put everything I am going thru into written words. With my own emotions and dealing with my husband and my miscarriage. I am going to order this book right now. This is what I need to help me heal. I am so happy that I found it.

  20. I found out today that my baby died at 7 weeks – I am now 10 weeks. I have started bleeding and I am having painful cramps. I can’t believe that I am going to give birth to my little baby over the next few hours/ days. This is terrible. I wish that no one had to go through this – it is so unfair. God bless everyone else in this situation. I hope this book helps. X

  21. My heart goes out to all of us who have been through the pain of losing the children that we wanted, and loved so much. I lost two babies in 2009, and then my husband and I were blessed with a beautiful and healthy baby boy in Oct of 2010. I just had another loss last month (Feb 2012), after the unexpected and untimely passing of my beloved mother, just five months ago. We thought that this baby was a gift from God, to somehow help ease the pain of mom’s passing… but it just wasn’t so. Now, our hearts are filled with such sadness, and it’s hard not to get angry and feel cheated. As I get older however, and experience more loss in my life, I am amazed by our ability to move on and keep going….despite the fact that our hearts feel broken beyond repair. My husband and I are trying to move through all of this pain, and trying to decide if we want to try for another baby.. We are not getting any younger, and I feel like it’s now or never. I am praying for God’s guidance during this very difficult time. I will never forget our lost little ones, I think of them every day…. and hope to meet their sweet souls in heaven someday. Try not to let the sorrow consume you, and try to always have hope. Love you all who read this.

  22. This is very interesting indeed. I’m shocked this info is not more broadly available, however many thanks for your focus on it! This is likely the most comprehensive source I’ve discovered up to now, and it truly is quite helpful. Cheers

  23. I’ve just found out that I will probably miscarry and am now playing the waiting game. This will be my 6th miscarriage. Thank you for making me feel I’m not alone as my mum finds it uncomfortable when the subjects mentioned and I get shushed and feel that I have no-one to talk to about it. I am blessed to have my miracle of a beautiful daughter and have to keep myself together for her. I will definitely get the book as feel that I need some sort of outlet for everything that is kept inside

  24. i miscarriage over the weekend, its hard to go on. But i have to do my best for my daughter whom turn 6 on Aug 8. How can you love someone so much that u never seen? Missing the baby inside me……..

    i hope i find this book and get pass the lost.

  25. Please send a review copy for consideration of guest invitation to Book Author , see more info @ 30radio show Focus On Life Radio. Mail book to
    Cheryl Ciamarra Host of Focus On LIfe Radio
    116 Oakmont Road Birmingham,Al 35244

  26. I started bleeding last week after feeling “off ” the entire weekend. My husband and I spent seven agonizing hours in the ER and I underwent two vaginal ultrasounds before the DR. told us what I already knew – our baby had passed. I was eight weeks pregnant in our six month old marriage. We were then left alone to console one another. Where as previously the ER has been noisy – everyone within ear shot was silenced by our weeping.
    That was five days ago yet it feels like five weeks. My husband has internalized his grief but I sobbed uncontrollably in church service earlier today. I felt angry with him for not grieving openly with me and our congregation. Later as I lie in bed researching miscarriage and suicidal thoughts I came across this website. After reading the first chapter of “Baby Dust” I can’t wait to hold him, tell him that I love him and hopefully – try again. Thank you for sharing your pain so that we may work through ours.

  27. I lost my baby yesterday and all I can do is cry. I was so happy to find out I was pregnant because I was trying for so long to have a baby. I feel so empty now I just want all the pain to go away.

  28. That chapter really took hold of my heart and emotions and spoke to me. I am currently 18 and a high school senior. I found out six weeks ago tomorrow, on October 8th, that I had lost my little one at 5 weeks, after a previous 14-month battle with Ovarian Cancer. I opted for a natural MC. It took a week for her to come, but when she finally did, it brought me little solace.

    I returned to school the next day, as my doctor wouldn’t write me an excuse for missing school. I had no prescribed pain medicine. I sat through my classes with debilitating cramps and tried my best to stay focused. I was sitting next to a friend and sent her a text message about my MC because I found it hard to deal with on my own. A girl who was sitting by her saw the text message. Rumors have been circulating that I had an abortion. In the Bible Belt, that is not a good thing to have against you. We had a performance in Theatre last week, and my character contributes to the death of a 7 year old kid due to a drug problem. One of the audience members, a boy, yelled out “Wouldn’t be the first time she’s killed a kid”.

    I can’t tell you how alone I feel. I find myself being sad on random occasions. I cry until my chest hurts every single night, wishing there was some way I could have my baby back… or even join her. If I didn’t only have six months of school left, I think I would have either transitioned into a GED program or transferred schools. People keep telling me that I need professional help like I’m crazy or something, when it’s only been six weeks. I can see now that there really is no light at the end of the tunnel… but somehow I have to keep going.

  29. Our baby boy was silently born on December 8, 2012 at 21 weeks. We are totally devastated :( I read the first chapter of this book and am hoping I can find it here in Canada. I have posted a letter on Facebook and was suprised and comforted at all the comments and messages we received on baby loss. We are sad and confused as to why this is so common yet no one seems to talk about it. My heart is with you all….shedding tears for all of us daily. Time may heal even the deepest wounds but the scars will always remain.

  30. 6 months ago, I lost my full term son secondary to oxygen depravation during my vaginal, unmedicated delivery at a birth center. We were rushed to a local hospital however, by that time, my son had suffered severe brain damage and could no longer breathe on his own. He was put on life support and for 4 days we waited for any sign of improvement. We made the decision to take him off life support at 4 days old. It was the most difficult experience of my life. It still hurts and pulls at my heart to think that my baby who I carried for 9 whole months is not here with us. 3 months later I became pregnant again however that pregnancy ended naturally at 12 weeks due to a blighted ovum. Even so that loss did not hurt as much as loosing my son. We have not lost hope and are hoping sometime soon we may conceive again and have a healthy, live brother or sister for my son that we can bring home with us and give all the love we have.

  31. i lost my twin angels this feb2012 it was a much wanted ivf pregnancy and it hurts so much i wish u will soon have a baby for youe son to be with. I also have a 2 year old daughter who i wish to make her a big sister one day…. loosing a baby is never easy

  32. Thank you Deanna for opening a platform for bleeding hearts to share their thoughts and experiences, in the process comfort others. I have received some comfort in knowing someone out there understands my pain and the hole in my heart. My husband and I had been trying to conceive for almost six years, the first time we fell pregnant – we lost our little angel at 6 weeks. I think about him everyday (we were hoping for a boy) and it still hurts as if it was happening all over again. Its been a year now and it feels ike we’re on that six year journey again :-(
    After reading the chapter – i related so much. I couldn’t wait to get the book. i woke-up to the closest bookshops. To my disappointment they didnt have it. It now seems the book has not hit the shelves here in South Africa :-(

    A friend once said, “dont worry S’ne, in time you will get over it.” I now understand you can never “get over” this experience. I pray the Lord gives you your most needed comfort in what you/we are going through.

  33. hi first I want to say sorry for every one loss I hve 2 angel babies I gve birth to a beautiful baby girl on 12/11/12 at 20 wks I named her riley I thought that was the hardest thing I will ever go through but it wasn’t on 6-23-13 I gave birth to a baby boy I need him after his father Anthony now im left with the worst broken heart a person can experience hvnt a day went by that I hve not cried I can not bring myself to giving away the little baby cloths I purchased I want to try again jst afraid hopefully time will heal all of our broken hearts

  34. I’ve just had a miscarriage. My first. I was 8+ weeks. I saw the heartbeat 2 weeks before it happened. I do have a beautiful 3 yr old girl who is keeping me positive. But I’m still saddened by this & feel so empty. I know I’m not alone & can’t put into words how I feel of my loss. No one knows why, why they choose to leave us & why it happens. All I tell myself is that it wasn’t meant to be & that something was ‘wrong’ & it had to go.
    My heart goes out to you all, even more to those who lose a baby so late in the pregnancy. It’s heart breaking…god bless to you all x

  35. Hello everyone,

    I loss my precious baby boy, Hunter Stevin Brown, on August 11, 2013. We had gone through the entire IVF process twice and we had made it to 19 weeks and then my amniotic sac ruptured. Hunter stayed with me for nine more days after the first ER visit. We were so devastated. I was able to go through several hours of labor and finally held him in my arms to say goodbye. I know God has a plan for us but this is really tough. Glad to have a support system and place to share. Blessings to everyone and their anngels.

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