The Facts of Life, Part Deux: Torture the Mother
By Deanna | March 27, 2009
So, a month or so ago, you read my lovely initial birds and bees conversation with my six-year-old. (Yes, SIX.)
Apparently Elizabeth has babies on the brain, as yesterday when we were stuck on Mopac, she suddenly asked, “How do you make a baby?”
Thankfully, traffic was at a dead stop, or I might have swerved off the road. This would be multi-tasking at its finest.
In a brilliant extension of my previous tactic, I answered with another question. “What do you mean?”
She would not be thwarted. “I mean, what makes a baby?”
Deep breath. “Well, inside a daddy is a part that makes the baby. And in the mother is the other part. When they come together, they make a baby start to grow in the mother’s tummy.”
“But how does he get it in there?”
Arrrghhh! My nine-year-old was mercifully silent, hunched in the back seat as though she could disappear into the cushion.
I decided to evade, not wanting to get into technical aspects. “He puts it inside the mom. And then it grows for over nine months, and then it comes out.” Genius use of ambiguous pronouns, thank you very much.
She still wanted details. “But how does he get it IN there?”
Traffic inched forward another three feet, then stopped. My mind raced. No McDonald’s nearby. No ice cream shops. What I wouldn’t give for a Chuck E. Cheese at the moment! Here, kids, tokens! Anything but The Talk!
But I was trapped.
“How does it, Mama, how does it?”
“Well, the mom and dad just decide it is time, and so they…” Oh, someone get me out of this. “They decide to make the baby.”
The cars nudged past the on ramp that was slowing us down, and we cruised a little faster.
“Almost there!” I said, lying like a toddler with a fistful of stolen cookie. We had another twenty minutes easy. “Who wants gelato when we get to Mandola’s?”
They girls chorused “Me, me!”
“Which flavor is best?” I asked.
“Chocolate!” Elizabeth shouted.
“No lemon!” Emily said.
“Nuh uh!”
“Is too!”
My work here was done.
Topics: Humor, Life with Kids | Comments Off
The Facts of Life Are All About…Marriage, Apparently
By Deanna | February 24, 2009
My six-year-old flopped on the bed with no indication whatsoever she was about to drop a bombshell.
“So, Mama, can I have a baby before I’m married?”
I had to think for a minute. These questions are never what they seem, like the time the big horrid bad word she heard at school, that started with “s,” turned out to be “stupid.” My big anti-censorship lecture, wasted.
I decided the best tactic was to answer the question with another question.
“Do you think it’s happened already?”
“NO!” She laughed at me.
“Then clarify, please.”
“What if you have a baby in your tummy, but you aren’t married?”
I’m about to wax poetic on how one does not need to marry someone just because he fathered a child, when she went on. “I mean, does it get stuck in there until you’re married? Can it not come out?”
I feigned a coughing fit so I could compose myself. AND figure out how to answer.
“Well,” I began, with no idea where I was going to take it. “No. The baby will come out whether you get married or not.”
She looked puzzled at this. “But how?”
“Well there are two ways a baby can come out–”
“No!” Exasperation. “Does it have to stay in there longer? How does it stay in there?”
“Are you asking me how a baby gets INTO the mother?” Please, please say no. I can’t manage this in first grade terminology. I suddenly remembered the infamous line from Kindergarten Cop, “Boys have a penis, and a girls have a vagina!”
“NO!” She gripped the blankets on my bed, frustrated.
“I know this is a real mystery,” I said. “It’s hard to understand.”
“So I can have a baby before I’m married?” Back to square one.
“Yes,” I said. “It might be harder, being a single mom, but people do it all the time.” I gave examples of friends whose moms were raising them, dads gone or moved away.
“But the dad was there when the baby came out.” This is still a sticking point.
“The dad really only has to be there when it goes in,” I said. Although actually, with sperm banks, even that might be optional.
“The dad puts the baby in?” She seems shocked, and I can see her mental image of the dad somehow inserting an infant.
Enough. Bring on the mom cop out. “Time for bed,” I said. “We can talk about this some more tomorrow.”
I herded her to the bedroom. Hopefully tomorrow she’d have easier questions. Like the cost effectiveness of the bank bailout and the economic flow of the stimulus package. Or tips on a successful exit strategy in Iraq.
Quite possibly, it won’t come up again until her wedding day. Or when she tells me I’m going to be a grandma. Whichever comes first.
Topics: Humor, Life with Kids | Comments Off
Ding dong, the sub is dead
By Deanna | February 3, 2009
The second grader held his picture high enough for the whole class to see. “Look, Ms. Roy, here’s your heart falling out of your body!”
He seemed shocked that my response was simply, “It should be a little more red. And dripping.”
The lesson the teacher had left for me involved the question, “What if dinosaurs had never become extinct?” Part of the assignment involved drawing a picture of dinos taking over the school.
In both the pictures and essays, I was mutilated, maimed, crushed, and bitten in half. The students seemed to delight in any new variation on the theme of Death by Dino.
I’ll admit, I felt strange serving as antagonist. I’d substitute taught a time or two, serving at my daughters’ school when there’s a shortage. But generally I avoided becoming a stereotype — or a victim.
The boy elbowed his friend, who was also depicting my untimely demise by T-rex. “She doesn’t get mad no matter what we do to her!”
I’m happy to support creative energy, whatever form it takes. And if mangling their substitute is what gets them fired up about writing, then I’ll take it. I fed them fresh ideas. “What about my brains? Did they gush out?” One boy rapidly added a crunched skull to his art. “My hair’s longer than that,” I corrected.
As the students filed out for lunch, some felt chagrin. One girl grasped my waist as she passed by. “I’m sorry I killed you,” she said.
Even the boys begrudgingly admitted, “Ms. Roy, it’s probably a waste for you to get eaten.” As I sent them down to the cafeteria, I felt good about how the lesson had gone. I didn’t censor them, and they recognized the responsibility that came with freedom to write about what they chose.
Besides, as the line snaked down the hallway, they merrily began planning the death of the principal.
Topics: Humor | Comments Off
A writer’s gotta do what a writer’s gotta do
By Deanna | January 25, 2009
I just listened to Bryan Adams’ Everything I Do, I Do It for You sixteen times in a row.
No, I’m not having A Relationship Moment. Nor am I hoping for Death by Cornball.
I needed a totally schmaltzy song to match the horridly touching moment at the opening of the novel I am writing.
Wait, to properly set the mood, you must torture yourself too.
Come on, hit play, you know you don’t want to.
Waiting.
Waiting.
It’s playing? All right then.
So there’s this wedding photographer (now you know it’s not me, as I don’t photograph weddings.)
And she’s locked in a room with a Bridezilla. (Now I’m really glad I don’t do weddings, or all my clients would worry I’m about to expose them in my novel. Word to the wise: Never befriend a novelist.)
Bridezilla is planning to bail on the nuptials because her light o’ love did a switcheroo on the groom’s cake, which now has the Aggie logo.
I find this grounds for divorce, personally, but of course, my main character needs the two grand and has to figure out how to save the wedding, despite any anti-Aggie-isms.
So she plays the Bryan Adams song, hoping to soften up the bride.
You know, Everything I Do, etc. etc. It should be playing.
What? It’s not playing? You are a bad bad blog reader. (I’ll be cross checking the IP addresses of my web hits against the play count of the video—yeah, turn it on now, now that you’re busted. You KNOW nobody’s playing this video but us.)
Soak it in, Bryan Adams, this marvel of sap. And imagine a photographer convincing a bride that her groom changed the cake because everything he does, he does it for her…
The book is a romantic comedy, and I can only hope that if I’m laughing as I write it, so will someone else.
If not, well, I’m listening to Bryan Adams in vain. And that is so very very wrong.
Ping me for an excerpt, if you’re curious. Unless you are waiting for a photo order from me, and then of course I’m not writing a novel, but madly…filling your order. Really. Because Everything I do…I do it for…you.
Topics: Humor, Writing | Comments Off
What’s in a name? Ask Deanna. Or Deanna. Or Deanna.
By Deanna | January 17, 2009
A few days ago I found out Deanna Roy was pregnant.
No, no, no, not me. The Deanna Roy in Nova Scotia.
Now, I’ll admit, when the status update “Deanna Roy is expecting again!” came across my Facebook feed, I did glance down at my own belly. I thought maybe the advancement of web beacons and cookies had invaded my privacy to the point that the Internet had cross-referenced and info-cached things about me that even I didn’t know.
But then I remembered, a few months ago I had managed to friend all the Deanna Roys on Facebook, just to see what we were up to. One of us is a doctor. A second runs an art gallery. Another is a financial adviser.
Growing up, my mom told me she’d come up with my name as a combination of Dee, which my dad goes by, and Anna, from a great-grandmother. I thought she was so clever to have invented an entirely new name.
Imagine my consternation in 5th grade when I met my middle school librarian, Deanna Smallwood, petite, sharp-nosed, and in her fifties. How could this be? I felt like Sidda in Divine Secrets of a Ya-Ya Sisterhood when she discovers the word vivacious wasn’t strictly about her mother Vivi. Suddenly I wasn’t original, unique, a one and only. I was part of a crowd.
Google has forged a tenuous bond among us Deanna Roys. I worried the others might be annoyed that I stole the domain that could have gone to any of us. When I first began friending my namesakes, I expected at least one to say, “So YOU’RE the version clogging up the search engines. Ranking hog.” But no one has complained, at least not to my virtual face.
I’m a big fan of Google Alerts, which sends you notifications when a new instance of a search term enters the web. In this way, I get to watch the progress of the other Deannas. Sometimes I feel like a voyeur, interested in these other lives solely by virtue of what their parents chose to call them. I also want to be the first to know if one of us gets arrested. The commingling of our names gets a little awkward when the publicity turns negative. Among the Deannas, I’m probably the greatest risk, tossing out first-person essays and questionable fiction into the world. At least when a mother phones her Deanna and shouts, “What IS this smut I just read?” I’ll know that I deserve it.
Now I get to follow along as another Deanna brings a baby into the world. Maybe I’ll send her a quick note, suggesting a doctor and even a financial guru to help manage the addition to the family. In fact, the gallery owner could probably help with art for the nursery. And why not? We definitely have a name we can trust.
Topics: Humor | Comments Off
2008 Year in Pictures
By Deanna | January 5, 2009
There were so many lovely portraits to choose from: all the new baby plan images, amazing bluebonnets, spontaneous moments at parks, and of course all the many mishaps that come with photographing children in a studio.
So many new babies were born:
We had a lovely spring:
And new studio shots were very fun:
Now it’s time for the big Longhorn game!
(What a difference one vote makes–this mama didn’t know she had an Aggie in her Longhorn photo until she saw the proofs!):
Thank you all for a great year!
Topics: Photography | Comments Off
Deanna’s Camera and Photo Gadgetry Buying Guide 2008
By Deanna | December 4, 2008
| Here it is–my recommendation list for the best cameras, printers, photo gadgets and gifts for the holidays!
Some reminders about buying cameras online–BE CAREFUL. If a price looks too low, there’s a reason. It may be a gray market product (made for non US markets with lower standards and no warranty) or a refurbished item. Also be suspicious of any vendor who wants you to call and confirm your order. You’re just going to have to suffer through a big spiel to buy expensive and often overpriced accessories. This is another way companies that lowball prices try to get their money back, often telling you your item is backordered or out of stock if you don’t order the extras.The following vendors are legitimate, reasonably priced, and I deal with them all the time: I’m also a fan of Fry’s Electronics (although I know not everyone is.) And when I can, I support Precision Camera at 35th and Lamar. They will often work with you on the price if you bring in a printout. Keeping local brick & mortar stores open is important! Okay, scroll down, see what I’ve got for you! And have a great holiday. |
Point and Shoot Cameras
There are a crazy number of automatic cameras out there. It’s hard to have any clue about which one to buy. My main advice: hold the camera in your hand, turn it on, and take some shots. You can do this at local camera and electronic stores. Check the following dealbreakers:
- How long does it take to power on and be ready to take the first shot?
- How big is the LCD screen on the back?
- Is it clear and easy to change shooting modes?
- Does it have enough zoom? (OPTICAL zoom only–digital zoom is a bad bad thing made by bad, bad manufacturers and will wreck your photos if you use it.)
After another year of teaching the Digital Point and Shoot beginner’s class, I still love the Canon Digital Elph ($159). I own one myself.
Features you should not waste your money on:
- Face recognition: Creepy.
- Megapixels over 6: Just going to make you buy a bigger card. Not going to improve your pictures.
- RAW File Capability: You’ll never use it.
Digital SLRs
I freely admit to being a Canon girl. Among the entry-level digital single-lens-reflex cameras, I find them the easiest to use. Nikon buries the menus and makes it difficult to make simple setting changes. But if you love Nikon, definitely the D-series are a good choice ($758 for the D80).
Still, the best is going to be for me, the Canon Digital Rebel XSi ($639). The link is for the kit, which I don’t love, as I think the 18mm-55mm lens isn’t enough for what most people will want. Try a 28-135 lens instead. The Nikon, while more expensive, does come packaged with a better lens.
Best Printers
I am amazed by the Epson Inkjet All-in-One Copier, Scanner, Fax, and Printer. Since I don’t really recommend printing photos to keep, this is a good all around printer to have and includes a wireless connection. ($176) Even though I insist you should never print photos at home, I do have one exception–the Epson PictureMate. The newest one is super cool, you can plug in your card, print your pictures and even BURN AN ARCHIVE CD, all without a computer. ($229) Without CD capability ($149)
Photo Gadgets
If you didn’t buy last year’s suggestion of a Digital Key Chain as the perfect stocking stuffer–what are you waiting for? I LOVE mine and gave them to my parents too. But this year, I saw tons of tacky, just awful digital photo ornaments and thought–what a great idea. And then–what a horrid ornament! So I started searching around and found a decent one at Brookstone. It’s a silver snowflake with a digital image screen and holds 50 photos, all for $20. I love it!
| Classes and Learning |
| So that gadget-lover in your family already has the fancy-schmancy camera he paid too much for (oops, did I say HE?) and doesn’t know how to use it. Time to get him some help.
Or take over the job and get a lesson yourself. For gift certificates (or lessons for you!) bought between now and Dec. 15, buy one hour of lessons for $65 and we’ll double it for a two-hour session.Just call or email me and I’ll get you a cute little gift certificate. So far I’ve met students at a park to practice photographing kids, met at your home to teach you your version of Photoshop, and gone to a nature center to focus on those close ups of flowers. A couple of people brought a friend to split the cost–that’s fine too.Whatever you want to learn–I can take you from the level you start and get you to the next step. Plus, it’s fun! Lessons go back to plain ol’ $65 an hour on Dec. 16! (Okay, yes, I’m a pushover, if you call me on Dec. 23 because you have no gift for you husband/father-in-law/sister/significant other, I’ll still do the special. I can even email you the gift certificate to print yourself if you are totally out of time.) Gift certificates for private lessons are good for a year. |
Topics: Best Cameras-Printing | Comments Off
Plucking Words from Thin Air
By Deanna | November 20, 2008
The blank page stared at me like a great ghostly eye.
I might have punched it in the eye, had it not been a $600 Apple Cinema monitor. The apparition element was all my own.
But there was a reason for the empty screen. I had begun my fourth venture into National Novel Writing Month, pledging to write 50,000 words in 30 days.
And I had nuthin’.
All the novels from the previous years lined up inside my head. All were good books, a literary piece, a women’s fiction, and a middle grade low fantasy. I’d finished them all in the late winter after each NaNoWriMo, gone through peer critiques and rewrites, and felt pleased with the end results. One had won a contest. The latest was still being considered for representation by an agent.
But still, a lot of hours, a lot of my life, and a huge chunk of my energy and emotion had gone into them. And for what exactly? A file lying resident on a hard drive.
The cursor blinked quietly, ever patient. I started at the malevolent screen, empty, mocking.
Had I neglected my kids to do this? My business? Was the tradeoff worth the end result?
I leaned back in my chair, thinking maybe I wouldn’t participate this year. Or, sign up, hang out with the friends I’d made through NaNoWriMo and type gaily here and there, but not push to finish.
Then, somewhere, far back in my reptilian brain, I remembered a moment, a gesture, a bit of conversation, a big laugh, and then a character came full blown, and I placed her in a scene. Then her motivations came tumbling out, what she’d do under pressure, mixed in with a setting, a chance opportunity, and suddenly, I had an idea for a novel.
For any of us who create art in all its forms, what we do is not a choice, time wasted, or moments lost. It’s who we are, what makes us get up in the morning, and hopefully, if we’re really really good, really really perserverant, AND really really lucky, one day we will break out, get our art before others, and someone else will understand and connect with what we’ve done.
We’re 20 days into the race for 50,000 words. I hit 30K last night. I’m slightly off pace, but in good shape to finish on the 30th. During the same 20 days, I’ve done 30 photo shoots, created seven new holiday card designs, printed a heck of a lot of pictures, and written an article for About.com.
AND cleaned my daughter’s bedroom, helped with homework, had kids over for playdates, and baked at least six dozen cookies.
I think I’m going to get it all done.
As long as I don’t sleep.
Topics: NaNoWriMo, Writing | Comments Off
The Holiday Season Begins!
By Deanna | October 30, 2008
This year I have three new Christmas card designs as well as a new portrait concept to represent a more reflective year. I’ve heard from so many of you, enduring uncertainty after a lay off or just worrying about the future. I too have seen a big change in my own business this year, and I wanted to create a new image concept that would express this quieter season.
I found some small LED lights for your children to hold in a lovely solemn image that can stand for peace, for hope, or, as this sample shows, a reminder of the holiday’s origin. You can go either secular or religious depending on how we word your card. Multiple children can hold lights together, or we could give the whole family a go. Email or call me (512-347-0081) to talk about if this image will work for the ages of your children. If not, I have a brand new gallery of all my holiday card options to go through. There are some especially wonderful ones for baby’s first Christmas.
Despite the many trials in 2008, it IS a great year to be a Longhorn! The Littlefield Fountain on the South Mall of campus has been fully refurbished, so I took a shot of it during one of my photography classes to use for cards. Most any studio or outdoor shot will work with the card, but it’s really fun if you flash your Hook ‘Em Horns! (I also have UT photo ornaments for great Christmas gifts at $12!)
Last year I also shot the Zilker Christmas tree for cards. It makes a gorgeous card, and a perfect expression for those of you who love Austin as much as I do. Let me know if you want to use this card backdrop, as we should shoot the image carefully to match.
The tree is decorated and I think it’s the loveliest version of it I’ve ever created. Last year I spent the day after Christmas at Macy’s buying up amazing translucent pointsettias and gorgeous pinecone balls to dress the tree.
It’s definitely time to call or email me so that we can fit you in for the season! I still have maybe four or five slots where I could do outdoors with the sleigh if you want that instead.
I can’t wait to see you!
Topics: Photography | Comments Off
Oh, how fun it is to ride!
By Deanna | October 18, 2008
So what if it’s Texas and snow is a once-in-a-decade thing. We’re having a great time with the sleigh shoots! The dogs have been so much fun and the kids love to jingle the sleigh bells!
Some of you moms have insisted this is an odd year, and you couldn’t get yourself together in October, so I added one more weekend to the sleigh special, Nov. 1-2.
Come on out while the weather is so amazing. Thank goodness for fall!
Regular studio holiday portraits will begin Nov. 3. I’ve already begun booking them, so feel free to call and reserve your slot. I’ll have the new sample shot very soon–it’s a lovely one to send out during a trying year.
Topics: Photography | Comments Off